A Journey of Rebuilding
Amy Halpern, Winnetka, IL
I’ve gone
through a number of crises in the last 10 years and I can identify
to such an extent with the things that you say. I have spoken to so
many people that tell me how to live and ultimately judge me as a
result of my experiences, and, occasionally you accept the
perception that they have of you as being who you really are.
I was raised by
a very successful family that only had successful children and to
complicate things I am a twin of a principal ballet dancer in a
renowned ballet company. The fact that she was such a success at an
early age forced me to make decisions about my life that perhaps
were not the right ones. I was motivated to move out of the trap of
the "typecasting” that ensued as a result of my twin to whom I was
so often being compared. She was thin, I wasn't. She was brilliant,
I wasn't. So I always "assumed” that because she was so incredibly
successful that I didn't measure up. When I was 24 I lost my mother
to ovarian cancer, we had had the opportunity to have conversations,
regarding her true perception of me versus what I had allowed myself
to believe. But, I think losing her at such an early age was very
hard.
While at school
I met the man that became my husband, because that was what you did.
When I graduated I took a position with a company that ultimately
merged with another company. I was a branch manager when I joined
the company and at the age of 25 was a VP, no small accomplishment
for a 27 year old that was the only woman on the team at the time.
At the age of
29, after 10 really challenging years in my industry I really felt
the desire to have children. When I attempted to have children, I
was told that I would have to have in-vitro in order to conceive. At
that time I realized that I couldn't do the travel required in my
position and undergo the treatment, so I left my company after 10
years and went on to another company that didn’t require travel. I
underwent 3 treatments, and after almost giving up conceived my twin
boys - Tim and Tyler. They were born prematurely at 31 weeks; my
water broke around a boardroom table. They were in ICU for the first
7 weeks of their lives, it was very painful to leave them every
night, but I was so grateful to have them that I just found the
strength to cope.
I married
someone that I truly loved, he was not incredibly ambitious but I
thought he would be a good father and a good husband, and we seemed
to complement each other. When my children were 1/1/2 we experienced
another crises, my son Tim developed pneumonia and RSV at the same
time. Because he had premature lungs he became very sick very fast,
and we almost lost him. I found myself in a marriage that had
undergone more stress than it could bear and a child that was very
sick, and I was at my heaviest. I was 220 pounds having never lost
all of my weight from the pregnancy and a size 20.
Not 3 months
after Tim came home from the hospital, my husband left our marriage.
He decided that he no longer wanted to be married, and I now can see
that sometimes life deals hands to people that they simply can't
cope with. I went through what became a terrible separation. In one
year, I sat by my son's bedside during an illness that had him in an
induced coma for 2 weeks, became separated, sold my home, bought and
purchased a new home, changed jobs and lost 80 pounds.
What had the
most impact on me was the comment that you made about the trapeze,
but in particular the fact that I have let people my entire life
tell me who I was, as a result of who I wasn't and that was my
sister. You were the first person that put that into the perspective
that you did, and it all just kind of came together.
For the last 6
months I have been on a path of re-building my life, I have a good
job with a great company working for someone that has been
incredibly supportive. I have 2 beautiful children, and although I
have a challenge of letting go of the image that I once saw in the
mirror of the person that I once was, I know that I am much closer
than ever before. More importantly I know that it is possible.
I would love to
meet someone and fall in love, one day I am confident that I will.
This time I think I will know myself well enough to make the right
choice for the right reasons. I will enter into the relationship
with the confidence that I have today, which means that I will
likely never sell myself short again. I have almost let go of one of
the trapeze bars and am reaching out for the other one, and
although, I have had to do it pretty much on my own, it has been the
most amazing self discovery I could have ever imagined.
Your words made
me realize that it is OK, to be where I am and that not "landing",
is a very powerful place to be. I have had a weight problem my
entire life and thought that I would never break the barrier of a
size 14; I am now a size 10. I work out every day and make it a
priority to fit that into my schedule for the sake of my children.
Some people think that that time comes at my children’s expense, but
I hire a babysitter at 8:30 when they are in bed and I go to the
gym. When I first started working out, I could only run for 5
minutes, I can now run for 11/2 hours.
Sometimes it
would appear as though it is easier to accept the status quo and be
mediocre, I think sometimes, we think that the world will accept us
that way more easily if we are not perceived as being more
successful or more capable or more beautiful. In some instances, the
people that I had surrounded myself with through my marriage would
have delighted in seeing me fail. I think I owe it to me and my
children to be the best I can be, and I think that it is time we all
chose to use the 100% that we have to pursue our dreams, in this
life I think we have many chances to change, the mere fact that we
can provides us with opportunity and chances. It is really a wonder
with that said that we fight it to the extent that we do.
Losing weight,
working out and having the career that I have while raising 2 - 3
year olds on my own, is something that I really didn't think I would
have been able to do. I am doing it and amazing myself everyday, and
I really just want to thank-you for the incredible insight that you
gave to help me to realize that I think that is only just the
beginning of what I will at one stage accomplish, in fact I know
that it is.
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